The kids aren't here. I called my -ex, per our agreement: I tell him when I am experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc... He then makes a call as to if I should have the kids on my assigned days. Usually after some discussion, it's "no". I miss having the distraction of caring for two young boys. I know that I cannot rely on them for my happiness- but I can't help think that they are my sunshines. My glowing with love and beauty little boys, who should only get the best version of me. I don't want them to see me crying. I don't want them to wonder if they are doing something wrong; that mommy is sad because of me.
I'm really crazy in the head right now. I don't know which version of my thoughts to trust. I don't know how to stop imagining me cutting myself into perfect little cubes. Perfect... Little... The version of me that most only see.
Why am I typing this and sharing with a handful of strangers? Because I am trying to remove the stigma of not only talking about these tough topics, but the stigma that comes with just experiencing mental issues. The only way I know how to strip away the power of others, is to talk. The more we talk, the more normal the act of talking about depression, for example, will become.