When I blog, I am in a good mood. Well... not sure if it's "good", but it is NOT this. Twice since Saturday, I've had these painful panic attacks. My left arm went numb around 3 pm and now my heart is trying to rip out of my chest. I feel like passing out. My thoughts are negative; criticisms of every area of my life swirl through my mind. I've tried distracting myself through mindless television. It has not helped. I tried resetting through a long nap. Yikes. That's 2.5 hours I really wasted in life. And no. The nap has not helped.
The kids aren't here. I called my -ex, per our agreement: I tell him when I am experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc... He then makes a call as to if I should have the kids on my assigned days. Usually after some discussion, it's "no". I miss having the distraction of caring for two young boys. I know that I cannot rely on them for my happiness- but I can't help think that they are my sunshines. My glowing with love and beauty little boys, who should only get the best version of me. I don't want them to see me crying. I don't want them to wonder if they are doing something wrong; that mommy is sad because of me.
I'm really crazy in the head right now. I don't know which version of my thoughts to trust. I don't know how to stop imagining me cutting myself into perfect little cubes. Perfect... Little... The version of me that most only see.
Why am I typing this and sharing with a handful of strangers? Because I am trying to remove the stigma of not only talking about these tough topics, but the stigma that comes with just experiencing mental issues. The only way I know how to strip away the power of others, is to talk. The more we talk, the more normal the act of talking about depression, for example, will become.
Removing the stigma 1 MB at a time. 12/2014